(This video is recorded from a Facebook LIVE session)
On Facebook you occasionally get notifications for your “memories”. Photos or posts will pop up from 1 year ago, 2 years ago, etc. A couple weeks ago, I had a “memory” pop up from something I posted 5 years ago that hit me like a ton of bricks. 5 years ago I was running a Farmer’s Market in Nashville. On a beautiful Fall day I took a photo with my assistant Carissa.
If you’ve been following me at all you might know I was a lot heavier than I am now. I may have actually been at my heaviest weight at that time. Seeing that photo totally shocked me. I immediately shared it with Carissa. Neither of us could believe how different I looked.
I also had to share it with my sisters in a group text. They were all shocked and unanimously agreed that I need to re-post it as a way to show the journey I’ve been on. I cringed. I thought no way in hell am I going to do that!! There are so many beautiful people in my life now that didn’t know me back then. What will they think? I didn’t want them to see my former, 1.0 self.
I felt the fear, the shame, and the judgement creep in. I didn’t want to be exposed for who I once was. But in my gut, I knew I had to….even if it took me weeks to muster up the courage to do it.
I often talk to my coaching clients about issues of weight and loving themselves and reframing their mindset. I remind them to love the 1.0 versions of themselves before they can ever get to 2.0. And if they cannot love that former self, things may change. You may become the 2.0 version, but you will never be truly happy and you will still harbor those self-judgements.
When we push on our journey without actually dealing with the root issues, they will continue on with us. Our language will be the same–negative, shaming, judging. We won’t be able to fully enjoy the new version of ourselves.
Weight is often the most visible way to see change but there are so many other ways we develop. We can develop in our outlook on life, how we react to others, the vision of the future, learning to use our voice, expressing emotion, being numb versus being fully alive. We all have a 1.0 version of ourselves.
So I took some time thinking about the 1.0 version of myself that I saw in that Facebook photo. I came to realize that I loved her journey, her strength, how resilient she was, and how clever she was. Actually, I love this person!
It starts with a belief:
“I AM NOT ANY MORE LOVEABLE TODAY THAN I WAS THEN.”
There is nothing broken. There is nothing that needs to be fixed about her. And loving yourself today is the most powerful and healing thing you can do for yourself today.
Strengthening our relationship with ourselves is so important for how we interact with others. Think about this, your relationship to yourself is every relationship. How you judge yourself is how you judge others. What you hate about yourself you end up projecting and getting triggered by in other people. There is no separation in relationships. Your self relationship is the quality of all your other relationships. When there is a lack of intimacy and honesty with yourself, that shows up in all your other relationships.
I love this quote by the Irish Catholic Priest and poet John O’Donohue
“YOUR SOUL LONGS TO DRAW YOU INTO LOVE FOR YOURSELF. WHEN YOU ENTER YOUR SOUL’S AFFECTION, THE TORMENT OF LIFE CEASES.”
HOW TO LOVE THE 1.0 VERSION OF OURSELVES
#1: IT STARTS WITH UNDERSTANDING
Meet her–meet your 1.0 version of yourself. Give her a voice almost as if she was a character in your life.
- What does she have to say about life?
- What are her deepest fears?
Indirectly, what judgmental messages have you been giving her?
- What do you hate about her?
- What makes you ashamed about her?
What roles have you been giving her that shouldn’t be her’s?
How has she been protecting you?
What does she not want to admit? ie: “That I am hurting. That I am scared. That I am miserable. That I am unhappy.”
#2: IT FEEDS ON A CONVERSATION
Getting into dialogue with our 1.0 version of ourselves is vital to create trust, connection, and change. There are 2 ways to do this that both involve journaling.
- Journal to offer deep gratitude for that role she, the 1.0 version of yourself, has been playing. Thank her for how she has been assisting you.
- And then journal to offer self forgiveness:
Self forgiveness is all about healing the basic fear that we all that we are unloveable.
“YOU CAN ONLY BE HELD BACK BY YOUR PAST IF YOU USE IT TO REJECT YOURSELF IN THE PRESENT” – ROBERT HOLDEN
- I forgive myself for buying into the belief that… I was unloveable …. Or
- I forgive myself for judging myself as….
- And then decide if you want to switch her roles. Or start listening to another voice.
#3: IT ENDS WITH A QUESTION
Ask yourself WHY you haven’t accepted her?
- What’s blocking you from loving her?
- Am I loving myself or do I need to do something first before I love myself?
- Am I loving myself or does something need to be fixed?
- What would happen if you fully accepted yourself?
- How would I act?
- What would I say?
- What’s the fear?
If you truly loved yourself, what would you say to yourself everyday? What would you want to affirm? Act as IF. What do you need to hear everyday to remind yourself that you are loveable. WRITE IT DOWN RIGHT NOW.
“WE CAN ONLY LEARN TO LOVE BY LOVING” IRIS MURDOCH
It doesn’t come from learning about love. It requires deep empathy and bravery for love. Love has no conditions. It simply loves. All. Every time.