S2: EP 39- Why We Feel Disconnected From Our Partner

Living Fully Alive Podcast available on Apple Podcast, Google Podcast, Spotify, and Youtube


Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
— rumi

On this episode, join Mary as she kicks off this month’s topic of RELATIONSHIPS. When you don’t bring your full self into a relationship it can often lead to major issues. We can’t talk about intimacy, conflict, desires, or longing until we address how we are personally showing up. We have to learn how to bring our total and full self into our romantic relationship. When we feel like we have to edit parts of ourselves in order to be loved, we’ll never feel known or truly seen. So if we want true connection and intimacy, we have to be willing to take the mask off. To show up as our true selves and bring everything to the table. Not just the “good parts.” But the broken parts. The parts that need healing. The parts that don’t feel pretty. There is no intimacy without authenticity. And the more we know ourselves, the deeper we can connect with others and have a fulfilling relationship. It starts with SELF.

Many of us have bought into the idea that we are looking for a partner to complete us. That belief is rooted in a deep disconnection to self. When we disconnect form ourself, whenever we leave the self, our patterns in our relationships become static, and they begin to die a little bit. And that’s why we have to start here.

We shy away from showing up as our true self because we don’t know ourselves and because of the risk of rejection. This is a very real thing. We have wounding here. We all have walls of protection in some form or fashion. Taking down those walls, vulnerability, is the key to intimacy. Without it, it doesn’t exist. When we are stuck in HIDING, we cannot truly connect and we can never truly be loved. The more we know ourselves, the more we are able to let others know us. 

Lack of intimacy will cost us everything. Whether that is intimacy with ourself or intimacy in our relationships. When we cannot be with ourself, and be ourself in our relationship we leave. We leave ourselves, we leave our relationships (physically or emotionally) and we leave LIFE. We escape. We pretend. We deny. We bolt. And when we feel like we can’t be vulnerable then we numb.

Questions To Ask To Discover The Level Of Intimacy In Your Relationship

Can you be completely honest?

Can you ask for what you need?

Can you share your fears?

Is there mutual empathy?

Is there reciprocal sharing?

Do you feel there is a connection?

4 Building Blocks of Intimacy

  1. Self Love – We can only love others to the degree that we love ourselves. Our love for ourselves cannot be conditional. We cannot earn our own love. Because if we do then we translate that into our relationships. 

  2. Trust – Intimacy cannot be built without trust. We need to feel safe to share and show up as ourselves without fear of love being conditional. We need to feel the security that it is safe to share in our relationship without fear of our partner leaving.

  3. Honesty – We have to be willing to admit where we are and what we want. When we are honest with ourselves first, we have less reasons to create secrets. We can be more open and accept our faults, and own our story.

  4. Understanding – Practicing non-judgement is key to creating intimacy in our relationship and cultivating an environment where we can share freely without fear.

So now that we understand the foundation of intimacy, let’s look at how we can practically create more of it.

4 Quick Ways to Create More Intimacy: (We start with ourselves, and then take this to our relationships)

  1. Create a safe space “Can you hold the space for me right now?”  Provide a safe space for all of these fears that have never before seen the light of day to be acknowledged, known, and held.

  2. Be Present “You have to remove yourself from distractions” Sometimes intimacy is non-verbal. Sometimes it looks like just being. Sometimes it’s a wink, sometimes it’s a smile, sometimes it’s a gesture, 

  3. Practice Listening You have to intimately listen… without wanting, aversion, or neutrality. And you don’t have to fix anything. You can sit in it together. And be heard. 

  4. Embrace Vulnerability “Risk being seen”

This is not something we can demand of our friends or our partners, it’s something to be cultivated. It’s work that begins with us.

We allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
— Brene Brown


-How the lack of intimacy to ourself will cost us everything

-How we put on a mask when we don’t know who we really are

-Her intimate journey through marriage, trauma and divorce

-The vulnerability of allowing ourselves to truly be known

-Questions to help you assess where you lack intimacy

-The 4 building blocks that intimacy is built on

-And much more!

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I know that creating honesty and intimacy in a relationship is harder than it sounds, and sometimes we need a little help to invite our relationship into a deeper level. So I’ve created 10 questions you and your partner can ask each other on your regular date nights.

This is my FREE gift to you!


Each month will be a deep dive into a topic that supports you on your journey to living more fully alive. June’s topic will be on RELATIONSHIPS.

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